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Post by Aliveinhell on Jun 25, 2012 6:07:26 GMT
Hi all, I am not new to the board, but I don't post, just read. This condition almost defeated me. It was exactly two weeks ago when I attempted suicide by slicing my wrists and legs. I slashed myself and I bled but I just couldnt slash deep enough to get the blood flowing rapidly. I never thought suicide would be so difficult, but it really was. Now I'm alive but have scars to remind me of that Sunday in the middle of the forest, heavily intoxicated and wanting the pain to end. To make things worse I commited crimes so that I could get to the point of no return and suicide would be the only way out. Now I am charged with a felony, and more charges are likely to come, such as DWI, as I was arrested while driving drunk. I just wished I had a reason to continue living, but I feel so defeated. It all started a week before this. I just had a horrible week at work and drank every day of the week. I hate this condition I have and hearing peoples comments all the time. Now that Im sobered up, I somehow gained the strength to continue living, but now I lost my job and everthing else. I am only charged with a felony, not convicted yet. I wanted to get to the point of no return, but I'm stronger than I thought. Im stronger and weaker at the same time. Too weak to kill myself, but too strong to give up. Now Im in a terrible bind and I caused it. I feel like my life is over. I think the hole that I put myself in is too deep to escape. I really dont want to die, but at the same time i do. I've thought about suicide many times throughout my life, but never attempted it. I guess the best thing that can probably happen right now is for me to get killed in a car accident or some other tradjedy. I thought I was strong, but I'm so weak. I feel like my life is over. I just dont know what to do.
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Post by tintin10 on Jun 25, 2012 16:09:54 GMT
Wow that's an incredibly sad post I really feel for you. Can I ask what your problem is, like is it tmau or something quite like it or is it something diferent? I'm really sorry about you getting in trouble with the law. If you have no previous convictions though I don't think you have too much to fear even though I know that's easy for me to say. You'll probably get away with a fine, maybe not even that if your defense point out how depressed you are. DO you have much in the way of family support may I ask? Obviously you really need to talk to someone urgently. Perhaps your doctor could send you to a therapist. Remember it's said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem who know this time next yea things could look a lot better for you. Hang on in there.
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Post by Kreb on Jun 25, 2012 16:46:36 GMT
This link is from another site. Next time you get so low call them for immediate help. In the mean time find a therapist, you may need meds to help you through this. www.metanoia.org/suicide/samaritans.htm
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Post by Aliveinhell on Jun 25, 2012 19:14:06 GMT
I dont know what i have. I have a variety of odd odors, but fishy is one of them so i may have tmau.
I have no criminal record at all, until now. I think i can plea bargain for a misdameanor. But then i will never find another job.
My family knows i have some condition, but i never talk to them about it. im not close to my family at all really. I dont think they know how much this condition affects me.
I will be alright i guess. Too many bad things happened to me all at once and pushed me to be suicidal. I dont even have money or insurance for a therapist or medications or doctors. I am broke and have no job now.
I cant tell the future. Maybe things will turn out alright. Hope is the only thing that I have now.
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Post by malory on Jul 13, 2012 12:28:51 GMT
This is absolutely tragic. You must get in touch with another sufferer near you to offer you support; we are our own best therapists and no money is needed. when you feel down like this, you must use the site to give you support and friendship, e-mail and text other sufferers.
Tell your family about your problem immediately!!! You may not be close to them because our condition causes us to put up barriers - let the barriers down and ask for help. If you can't do it face to face then write it down.
when you are tried for the felony you must tell the court about your disabling condition and its severe psychological effects. use supporting documents about TMAU/odour conditions from the specialists (available on MEBO website) and use Cheryl Field's video. Do not give up. You are NOT weak. You are unhappy with having to live like this. It is not your fault.
You are part of our community and we are all responsible for you and interested in your welfare. Whereabouts do you live? Malori
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Post by Aliveinhell on Jul 14, 2012 11:05:51 GMT
I will just settle for a plea bargain for a gross misdemeanor. I'm not really guilty in my mind, but not much else I can do.
My girlfriend and I broke up and she would not let me get my things and changed the locks on the place we bought together. I got drunk and was going to break into our place so I did some damage to the door.
I changed my mind about breaking in and so I stopped and left. I was caught driving away drunk by the police and arrested.
So I think that I have to plea because if not, then I could face more charges, like DWI, burglury attempt, and posession of burglury tools. My public defender told me that is what would happen if I don't plea bargain.
It sucks, because it was my home too. But unfortunately my credit is not good and my name is not on the deed. My gf bought the place under her name only, but I paid half the bills, mortgage, and fixed up the place with my money and time.
My gf put these charges against me because she was mad I found that she was involved with another guy.
So the charge I must plea to is stalking, which is ridiculous. Stalking consist of many elements, about 10 different things, and if you do only two out of ten, then you are a stalker. I did criminal damage to property allegedly, and trespasing, so that makes me a stalker. A felony stalker!
But it was my place too, and she refused to give me my things. The law is really screwy. A gross misdemeanor for me is a gross injustice.
My gf did not have to file charges against me, but she did because she was mad I found out about her other guy and she wants to punish me as much as possible.
I just cannot believe that a person can love you today and hate you so badly and want to ruin your life the very next day.
I really loved her and cared about her so much.
This month has been the worst month of my life. I lost my gf, lost my home, lost my pet which she kept and refuses to give back, I have criminal record now, i was in jail for days and may get more jail time, i lost my job because i was jailed and could not call in, and just tonight I was hit by a drunk driver and my car got smashed up.
I dont think anything else could happen to make things worse, but there probably can be things that happen and make it worse.
Rock bottom!
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Post by malory on Jul 15, 2012 7:30:10 GMT
It sounds like you are well shot of this girlfriend. Very painful experience but good riddance to her!
I don't know anything about American law but I just thought the jury would be more understanding of your plight if they were aware of your disabling condition which added to the stress of the situation and caused you to react in the way you did to the relationship break-up and the distress of discovering her unfaithfulness.
I am so sorry you have a criminal record now but, who knows, it may lead you to find other work opportunities in the future which you wouldn't have considered before or maybe you can use your negative experiences to help somebody else who is going through a similar torment to the one you went through.
Rock bottom? Perhaps you feel this is the case right now but you are not alone there and you will climb up afterwards and do more than just survive.
Hope you find people nearby to help - family, friends, sufferers from this site who live near you - because you need to talk.
Would you consider e-mailing the psychologist Kip? He is very interested in discussing the mental and social effects of these disorders? kip@psych.purdue.edu
Or contact jo hanson, a member who initiated the project.http://williams.socialpsychology.org/contact
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Post by Aliveinhell on Jul 16, 2012 1:46:20 GMT
Thanks for the advice Malory.
I will be forced to go to AA and counceling and restitution and fines as the plea bargain dictates for two years while on probation. So I have no choice but to talk about things to people.
I've never really talked about my problems to anyone before. I just keep it inside myself.
The damage that this condition has done to my life is beyond descritpion. I am far from normal and will never be even close. I feel like when I am around others that I am acting, and I am.
I have to act like I am normal. I must act like I want to smile to appear normal. I engage in conversation seldomly, but I must at times just to appear normal.
Throughout the years I have tried hard to become normal and just live life, but I find that it is not possible to hide my true self.
I am not a criminal! I am a very good person with a big heart! I only hate people because they treat me like an outcast. I used to fantasize about getting revenge and hurting people, but I am just not vengeful enough to do so.
All I ever wanted was to be normal. An Impossibility it seems.
Ive never really been sober, so maybe my viewpoint will change being that I am forced to be sober by law or get hit with a felony.
I'm not motivated these days. It difficult to do anything. I sleep 12-14 hours a day now. Lay around doing nothing most of the other time. Trying to find a job before the conviction is on my record, because it may be impossible then.
I suppose that I really have to figure out what to do the rest of my life with work. I don't like being around people. Time to change careers i guess.
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Post by Aliveinhell on Jul 26, 2012 2:25:21 GMT
I've had this condition for as long as I can remember, yet I've never talked to anyone about it in person until yesterday.
I made myself go to some free mental health clinic and talked to a psychologist for an hour and a half. It was very hard to talk about things and I broke down crying many times and couldn't even speak. But afterwards there did seem to be some relief like a weight was lifted off me.
I got hired on the spot for a job today, so that was great! And I begin tomorrow.
I thought my life was over and wanted to die, but now the only way to go is up. I really wish that I went to counciling before things got so bad.
I'd recommend that all of you get some counciling in person. This website and others like it are alright for additional suport, but there is something about in person councling that seems better.
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Post by Kreb on Jul 26, 2012 14:33:40 GMT
A good counselor is worth their weight in gold. So are most of the people on the boards. Stay positive.
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Post by malory on Aug 3, 2012 16:38:08 GMT
You got the job! this is wonderful news! I am so pleased for you. It's good you can't drink anymore as well because the strain on your liver won't help your odour. Be strong at work and let them know (if you need to) of your condition and that it is a medical disorder which you have no power over. You have opened up to a counsellor so now you can open up to the world. You will find people who are compassionate and supportive. They do exist and they will put intolerant bullies to shame. Yesterday 2 women behind me on my aeroplane flight tried to bully me. I was sat on my own in seat A and the 5 seats next to me were empty (guess the steward checking me in made sure of that!). One of the women kept saying 'It stinks!' really loudly as soon as I sat down. Then she asked the steward if she could move seat as loudly and indiscreetly as possible. The steward said she could move backwards but that moving forwards would need the pilot's permission. the woman replied 'Moving backwards won't make much difference!' so the steward had to speak to the pilot. The woman eventually moved to the furthest seat away from me but in my same row. I froze and tried to read my book throughout the fuss. After several minutes a middle-aged British man came to seat near me in seat C. I was baffled! I looked up and saw him exchange a look with the would be bully. I didn't see clearly but he seemed quite displeased; perhaps he had heard about uncontrollable odour disorders?! This is why raising awareness is needed: most people don't want to be rude or bullying. Most people have compassion for people with illnesses or disabilities but many just don't understand... why should they if not even doctors do? Good luck to you and keep trying to heal yourself. some people have managed it
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Post by Aliveinhell on Aug 12, 2012 13:20:53 GMT
Well it is a job, but it sucks really badly. Very low pay, hot and sweaty work, and 12 hour night-shifts.
I was offered a plea bargain for a gross misdemeanor, but I turned it down. I decided that I'd rather go to trial and fight this B.S. At this point, I'd rather fight and even lose and get a felony, than to give up and get a misdemeanor.
They cannot nail me with drunk driving, as I was under the legal limit. They cannot get me with breaking and entering, because I never entered. They can't get me with possession of burglary tools, because I did not commit burglary.
The only thing they can get me with is damage to property. But even then, it was my own property in reality, even though I was not on the deed. My ex never gave me a renters rebate, proof that I was not renting from her. So I don't believe that they can get me with criminal damage to property either. There is nothing that they really can get me for unless the jury is convinced my my the lies of my wicked ex.
If I get a felony, my life is over. I think that good people can become bad under certain circumstances. I think my case meets those circumstances. The law can make someone become a criminal.
I just hope the jury sees it my way and is not convinced by the lies of my wicked ex. Sometimes I feel on the verge of insanity. I think a felony conviction would push me over the edge. Insane people do insane things. Hopefully I can maintain my sanity.
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Post by Aliveinhell on Aug 24, 2012 22:05:30 GMT
Unfortunately, I had to accept the plea bargain of gross misdemeanor today, since the prosecution threatened to add charges of possession of burglary tools (a felony) and attempted burglary.
It sucks and I hope that finding jobs is not impossible.
From now on, I will trust nobody. People turn on you so fast, even someone that is supposed to love you.
So now I am a convicted stalker and I never even stalked anyone. The justice system sucks!
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Post by Aliveinhell on Aug 28, 2012 19:01:46 GMT
Sometimes in bad situations, good can come from it.
The good is that I stopped drinking alcohol.
The better is that I have come closer to God and am a better person for it.
;D
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Post by Aliveinhell on Sept 6, 2012 6:20:54 GMT
I have gone to these alcohol anonymous meetings for the twelve step program they have. It's all based around God.
I honestly tried to have faith, but I realize that I cannot. I don't believe in any God and never will. So I had to drop out of the AA meetings.
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