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Post by jjane14 on Apr 18, 2014 19:40:00 GMT
For a while I've been thinking 'why am I still here and why am I still suffering?' Why can't I just pass peacefully and eventually everyone would get over it. For months I've been trying to cure myself and I have made progress but I feel like even if I'm 100% cured I could never be fully happy or normal now, I've just gone through too much to ever just get over this. Often I just feel like I'm not even human that I'm just an disgusting intruder, an outsider looking in; that's how much I've been ripped apart all these years. I’m so awkward and broken it’s pathetic.
I had taken this semester off from school because literally I felt like nothing but vermin, a piece of crap every time I walked into a classroom. Some people from last semester knew about the odor and digestive problems I have and instead of just ignoring it or staying away, they felt the need to just tell all their friends and people in the class. It was funny and a joke to them. I was even ridiculed by some. I disgust myself so its no wonder others are disgusted by me. It never feels good to be treated wrongly by others. So I had all that negativity on my mind and carried with it to the next semester. And it didn’t help that I had classes again with some of those same people. In the first few weeks of the semester I tried to stay strong and stick it out but it was causing my depression to amplify so much every time I went. I was forcing myself to stay strong and face my hardships. I ended up only attending about 4 sessions of class, I missed some because I just couldn't go, and it was causing me so much anxiety just being there. Every time on the way to school I just wished I could just die. I wish I could've gotten hit by a car, or that just dropped dead so I wouldn't have to face going to school another day. In all honesty I was miserable I couldn't handle this semester any longer, so I dropped a few weeks into the semester unknowing that it was going to cause me to fall into a financial crisis. My scholarships, grants, loans were withdrawn from this semester after I dropped leaving me with thousands I have to pay out of pocket. And I wasn’t told that until a few weeks ago. I tried an appeal and was denied. I literally have no income and my family is low income so I'm screwed. This is added stress that I can’t handle; I already have an extensive history with depression and self harm so this on top of that has really just made me want to give up. I wish it would all just end I can’t handle this anymore. Even if I try to kill myself (which I don't even have the courage to) it'll accomplish nothing because if I do I'll probably be put in a hospital if it fails or my family would make me even more stressed by glamorizing and dramatizing everything and telling everyone, and it’ll draw attention to myself that I don’t want. I really need to try going to see a psychologist I just have a really hard time opening up to people I can’t even talk to my family about this so a total stranger really hard. I’m sick of my odor/digestive problems controlling everything in my life. It literally effects everything I do and there's no escape. I'm a hopeless, useless failure. I just want to disappear…
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Post by txsteve on Apr 20, 2014 3:44:22 GMT
It is sad to hear about the struggles you have gone thru. You are certainly not a failure, you are a great woman.
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Post by jjane14 on Apr 20, 2014 17:14:29 GMT
It is sad to hear about the struggles you have gone thru. You are certainly not a failure, you are a great woman. Thank you so much I really appreciate your kind words:)
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Post by jjane14 on Apr 20, 2014 18:10:04 GMT
Hi tintin10,
Thank you so much. I feel like the success of the parasite cleanse has kept up, it’s just that my problems are so on and off, some days I can go without having any digestive problems (sorry if this is TMI) I can BM’s without no problem and won’t have much gas, other days I can be constipated and have a lot more gas. These last few days I’ve felt like I’ve had a slight relapse. That parasite cleanse has helped me a lot because my digestive problems aren’t nearly as bad as they used to be. It’s just that the problems are so spontaneous that I don’t know when it’s going to happen. And recently they’ve been happening are bad times, the times where I just let go for once and take a risk to go out with old friends is the time when my digestive problems sometime flare up more. I think anxiety is catering to the problem. I just want to be happy and see old friends sometimes but I’m finding out now that it’s not the right time I should make sure I’m 100% before doing that because its already backfired on me. My best friend came back home this weekend for Easter break and I think her parents and brother were reacting to me. That’s just setting me back even more, I need to keep continuing to try and cure myself. I’m going to do a total body cleanse around next week it’s called ‘the cleaner’ have you ever heard of it or tried it? I think maybe these conditions are continuing to happen because I’ve had them ALL of these years. I think my body is going to take time to heal completely; it’s just hard because you want to be cured but like you said it does take time.
About my diet, ever since the cleanse I don’t eat as much as I used to or crave bad things like sweets. I just try to eat more fiber (which was recommended by my doctor), vegetables, and stay away from meats but sometimes I’ll have a tiny piece of chicken or fish (that’s only once in a while), I eat tofu, fruits, and make my own vegetarian recipes. Dieting is not easy at all but I’m really trying to continue to eat right for my health. Your right your diet it is an important part of recovery. Food is satisfying but it’s a temporary woe to eat something unhealthy just because it tastes good, and I feel like it sets back to rate of recovery. So eating healthy is a must.
I’m definitely going to have to talk to someone soon because I’ve been holding this stuff in way too long, and as much I find it hard to talk to others about this I have to open up because it’s only hurting me if I don’t. And yes you said it perfectly these psychological scars are really effecting me they make it hard to function, make it hard to trust people (since so many people have treated me wrong because of this). I’m hoping that I can find a therapist that takes my insurance because it’s about time I talk to one.
I’m really hoping I can overcome this so I really start a life for myself because the way I’m existing now is no life. I want to be able to work, live on my own, and be happy but I have to get over these hardships first.
Wow your last paragraph really made me tear up. Thank you so much for saying all those kind things about me. I try to make other ppl happy because I know that it doesn’t feel good at all to be treated poorly. I just don’t like seeing others hurt or feeling down because it really isn’t a good feeling at all. I’ve met some nice ppl who were willing to look past my problems but most people I’ve met just treat me like crap after finding out about me. It just makes it hard to trust people. But I need to keep fighting this condition and hopefully soon enough I’ll be reporting back with new discoveries and things that have helped me just so I can let people know that there is hope out there; we just have to keep fighting.
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Post by Isqueaky on Apr 22, 2014 16:52:02 GMT
Hi jjane14 I hear you. I've had this BO since I was 12 or 13 and I'm 50-something now. The school years are the hardest IMO, by far. Don't give up hope, you'll have good days and good times along with the bad ones. You'll also develop coping skills as you get older. I wish you all the best. Please don't do anything desperate. I've known several people who've taken their own lives (not BO related) and their families have never got over the grief. It's a terrible thing to have to cope with - worse than having BO IMO. I've had a great couple of weeks with little to no reactions at all and I went out today and got massive and unpleasant reactions and I'm feeling pretty much the same as you right now. A woman in a supermarket said "someone in here f****** stinks" and looked straight at me with such an expression of loathing on her face you'd think I'd killed her first born or something. I know from past experience this will make me depressed/suicidal/hopeless for a few days. BUT, it's just for a few days. It will pass, just like all the other bad times have passed before. Life goes on and so do we I just wanted to say to you something about healthy eating. I got the worst and most humiliating reactions in my entire life last year when I was eating a LOT of healthy stuff. It turned out that Kale, Broccoli, Cauliflower and Beetroot were making me stink really strongly of poo and sulphurous cabbagey stale farts. What's healthy isn't necessarily the best food for our BO, sadly. Since then I've avoided a lot of fruits and vegetables that I really love and I've had very little trouble with other people's rudeness. I'm puzzled about why I've suddenly had such a bad day and racking my brains about what I ate at the weekend. I have relaxed my diet somewhat over the easter weekend, but not dramatically. I can't smell myself unfortunately, so I don't get any clues about which substance could be causing it. Anywho, I didn't mean to make this all about ME, but I did want you know that you're not alone with those feelings of doom and despair and we've all been there. Keep your chin up and keep experimenting with different foods. Be wary of brassicas and any strong smelling vegetable though, that includes beans and peas!
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Post by squeaky on Apr 22, 2014 16:58:19 GMT
Just remembered I wanted to say something else, (that's me, Isqueaky above but I couldn't remember my password).
Your first paragraph reminded me: Today I woke up with a stomach full of wind and I had really bad trapped wind pains. This is unusual for me nowadays although I used to get it a lot many years ago. Apologies for the TMI, but after taking some BiCarb I had some really bad smelling fartz. Possibly this is related to the BO, seems a bit of a coincidence that I get this gastric upset on the same day I'm smelling bad.
Just a thought.
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Post by jjane14 on Apr 23, 2014 4:04:57 GMT
Just remembered I wanted to say something else, (that's me, Isqueaky above but I couldn't remember my password). Your first paragraph reminded me: Today I woke up with a stomach full of wind and I had really bad trapped wind pains. This is unusual for me nowadays although I used to get it a lot many years ago. Apologies for the TMI, but after taking some BiCarb I had some really bad smelling fartz. Possibly this is related to the BO, seems a bit of a coincidence that I get this gastric upset on the same day I'm smelling bad. Just a thought. Thanks so much. And thanks for telling me your insights. Do you have a Facebook page? I'm trying to start a private Facebook group for all of us. So we can have a place to communicate on a regular basis.
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Post by Isqueaky on Apr 23, 2014 12:09:38 GMT
Can't find password again and I'm in a rush today, but no I don't have a facebook page. I dislike facebook so won't be getting one. I like to be anonymous on the net, even if I can't go unnoticed IRL, I can here
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Post by jjane14 on Apr 23, 2014 20:53:03 GMT
Just remembered I wanted to say something else, (that's me, Isqueaky above but I couldn't remember my password). Your first paragraph reminded me: Today I woke up with a stomach full of wind and I had really bad trapped wind pains. This is unusual for me nowadays although I used to get it a lot many years ago. Apologies for the TMI, but after taking some BiCarb I had some really bad smelling fartz. Possibly this is related to the BO, seems a bit of a coincidence that I get this gastric upset on the same day I'm smelling bad. Just a thought. Thanks so much. And thanks for telling me your insights. Do you have a Facebook page? I'm trying to start a private Facebook group for all of us. So we can have a place to communicate on a regular basis. I completely understand I like to remain anonymous too. This Facebook group is very private only the members can see it. You can actually make an anonymous face book page to become a member. If you change your mind and decide to join here's the link to my anonymous face book page just add me as a friend and then I'll add you as a member to the group. www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100008199671214
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