Post by idontknow123 on Dec 20, 2013 4:03:38 GMT
I drove an hour and a half away today to do Christmas shopping and possibly buy a new pair of jeans. I also wanted to check if the body shop was having an in-store sale because they have had 40-50% off online for weeks on end, and I just didn't want to pay for shipping but fancied a few items/would drool over them, and I was running low on body lotions and body scrubs. I walked in and immediately felt like people were looking at me weird(wasn't even thinking I smell bad, just figured i looked anxious/nervous/shy as always, or that I am imagining it because I have terrible anxiety and always feel like everyone is staring at me), and then I heard a young girl say "something smells gross" (I think that's what she said-I realize that often I am a little delusional and hear things differently than what they are because I am THAT paranoid after being made fun of for so long) when I was about 4 feet away from her. but I kind of... freaked out for a couple seconds thinking OMG DO I SMELL but then realized Im in a bath shop and maybe she didn't like the smell of a product. I looked at her and she wasn't looking over at me. so I kept shopping, and then I got anxious and left the store quick with only a few things. next I was going to pick up my jeans if they were a reasonable price, and then do my Christmas shopping. as I went down an escalator, some people got on behind me and then I heard "it smells disgusting." I went in panic mode, couldn't wait to get off the elevator, got out of the shopping mall as fast as I could, trying desperately hard not to make eye contact or come close to anyone. I got in the car and started crying. I didn't know what to do. I drove all the way there to do christmas shopping, used gas money, time, etc., yet there was no way I was going to put myself in the position to possibly be humiliated or be around people who are thinking that I smell. I could not smell A THING at all when I got in the car- not on my jacket, my shirt, my hands, my pants, my underarms, my scarf, my shoes. literally smelt nothing (besides my deodorant powder), but thought there's a high chance I probably do smell since i heard 2 people say it. so I went all the way home... and wasted all the gas and all the time to go there to feel humiliated.
I have not heard anyone make any comments about me for months, since mid summer, so I thought maybe I have fixed my problem with all of the differnt things i have been doing. to be fair, in the past week i have been eating more processed foods and more caffeine because it was finals week, so it definitely could be from that if i do smell. what was really bad for me was thinking that i have possibly been smelling all this time, for all these months, without even knowing it. I really thought I was clear! people occasionally will rub their noses near me, but I just brushed it off and thought it's something everyone does anyway (i literally have done a test and watched people and see when they rub their noses...which... does happen more than you'd think) now I am just thinking I may have went the entire semester smelling like shit.... I really hope that's not true, but if it is I am just ashamed
I don't remember when my problems began, but I do remember when I had my second job in retail (when I was 19-20, Im 21 now) and worked in the fitting room, that one associate told a manager it smelled, they took me out and got air freshner all sprayed in there, I had a talk, cried my eyes out of embarrassment, and left early. those were the early days of realizing my problem, when it was first addressed, and i really do not know if it existed before that. (actually, looking back, at my first retail job at a bath shop at age 18-19, thats when i stopped wearing deo, and i remember my manager saying a comment "something smells funky" on one occasion). looking further back, i do remember excessive sweating/smelling incidients from age 16. when i hit puberty, thats when i started to sweat EXCESSIVELY i would have HUGE sweat stains on all my shirts. i do still get that sometimes, but i think the sweating was more drastic then. i dont remember odor problems before age 16, but its possible that i dont remember them. it took me a while to remember the 16y/o odor memory. i just remember being in math class and having sweaty smelly armpits.
I have been trying ever since then (my retail job in the fitting room) to completely cure my problem. with deodorants, soaps, washing detergent, diet, etc. those days at the job were the worst for me. if i had to work in the fitting room(which was 80% of the time, because i didnt communicate with customers well because i was constaly scared, and really started to dislike people because all of the hateful comments), people (customers & employees) would go in there and say how bad it smells, like something died, etc. I think it has gotten better than how It was during that time (i think mostly during that time it was my clothes that smelled because i live in a cat house, now i store my clothes in plastic bags after washed and don't let air touch them. also, i didn't wear deodorant for 3 yrs because my mom had Breast Cancer and i became a nature freak. that probably contributed to me stinking, yet in the past 5 months, I've tried at least 15 different deoderants from $1 to $20. I just gave in and started using lots of chemicals to cleanse me because it was either that or NEVER leave me house without being humiliated). I was made fun of all the time, a coworker would walk by me and say "dam that girl stinks she needs to take a shower!" that was a year and a half ago and I am still suffering anxiety from it badly. it seems like much longer though... the thing is, during that time i feel like i did know that i smelled. now, it feels like i rarely ever smell unless i'm home for 2 days straight and ditch deodorant-then i can smell myself and see that i have a smell.
I am just annoyed that I might have smelled all these months without anyone saying anything. I know it happened during the summer because a shopper at my work followed me around the store saying WHATS THAT SMELL IT SMELLS LIKE B.O. she was deliberately trying to humiliate me (which, btw, worked, and that's when i started wearing antiperspirants. for some reason, when people say it to me now it hurts a lot more than before. it did hurt before, but i was better at hiding it. now, if someone said tht to me at work like as it happened that day, i would ask to go home early because i couldn't bare with it one bit. i have considered quitting my job but i need the money to get through college and buy clothes, food, and hygiene products. i have been scared that i will be talked to for odor problems, but now i only work weekends so im barely there, no one has said anything since summertime, and i really believed that i probably dont smell anyore).
I think (or thought?) the past months have been fine, I almost forgot about my odor problem. im at a community college and I figured if I smell really bad someone who i'm sitting next to would say so, but that has never happened. especially since I sat near a girl who made fun of everyone and I always listened to see if she would say it smells or something, but she never, did so I thought I was fine. and whenever i smelled my shirts after taking them off, they just smelled like my deodorant. i have a really strict hygiene routine and have tried everything in those regards. I've also tried probiotics, chlorophyll, mgnsm, etc. not sure if any worked-- i do think probiotics (kefir more specifically) has helped me with health though, i don't know if it helped with odor
I didnt smell anything on my clothes I was wearing tonight, my bra, jacket, even after I took those off the only thing I could smell was my deodorant. I didn't feel dirty. usually if it smells I can smell it on the underarm area of my shirts or on my bras (except that hasn't happened for months, because i have found deodorants and soaps that eliminate (or hide?) my odor problem (which is probably mostly because my underarms sweat A TON since i hit puberty. like insane amounts, i never wanted to raise my hand and always held my arms straight to my sides in class...but i don't actually remember having body odor during that time. maybe i did and it wasn't a big deal, or maybe i don't remember...i just remember excessive sweat but i don't remember anything about odor
I just feel so humiliated.. did I always smell like this during the past few months, or am I just starting to smell again now, or do I not smell and those people were not talking about me? if i ever hear the word "smell" no matter how far away, i automatically assume it's me and panic.
I don't want to go to work tomorrow or leave my house. I don't want to be humiliated and made fun of. i'm so tired of dealing with this... I just want to have a normal happy healthy life
I want to see a doctor for this yet I don't know how to go about that, I never saw a dr in high school besides mandatory physicals when I was 16. im 21 now. I could have lots of things wrong with me and I am honestly scared to death to see a dr about my issues (which isn't just this...this one is just effecting me in extreme because i cant even communicate with people). I have worked up the courage several times to try to get a dr and call the hospital as I do have health insurance, yet everytime I call no one is there to help me they say call back later give a diff. number etc.
I feel so alone in this world.
i saw two guys last year and i'm pretty sure the first one "dumped" me because of this. he used to say stuff like "we should shower together" "i was at lush they have really nice things, ill get you some next time i go!" etc.
the second guy would ask me if i have hygienic problems, i got offended right away had a blank stare, would say, what? then he would pretend he didn't ask. and then sometimes he would indirectly say that i smell SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad.
im glad nothing progressed with either of those guys though. but it just reflects any other future relationships....if i ever have any again.
i avoid seeing friends and meeting people because i don't want them to know of my problem. maybe i dont smell all the time. i dont even know. i never smell anything bad anymore unless, like i said, i am at home for 2 days straight and skip wearing deo. my roommates last year would constantly say it smells really bad, and they saw me shower 1-2xs daily for long periods of time, i think they eventually felt bad for saying it smlled because one time one of them went into the kitchen and said "what is that smell" it was the first time i said "what smell? what does it smell like?" because i usually don't even answer with stuff like that, not knowing how to respond. another roommate was walking through and said "did you just make kkale? it smells like kale?" yet he was probably talking about me... (ps last year i did not wear deodorant, it's weird because now i own more deodorant than an avg person will in her life, yet for the past 3 years i stopped using it entirely)
I am coming here because I am not living with this problem anymore. I want to get rid of it. I want to see a doctor, I want to do every thing I possibly can to fix my life.
I have not heard anyone make any comments about me for months, since mid summer, so I thought maybe I have fixed my problem with all of the differnt things i have been doing. to be fair, in the past week i have been eating more processed foods and more caffeine because it was finals week, so it definitely could be from that if i do smell. what was really bad for me was thinking that i have possibly been smelling all this time, for all these months, without even knowing it. I really thought I was clear! people occasionally will rub their noses near me, but I just brushed it off and thought it's something everyone does anyway (i literally have done a test and watched people and see when they rub their noses...which... does happen more than you'd think) now I am just thinking I may have went the entire semester smelling like shit.... I really hope that's not true, but if it is I am just ashamed
I don't remember when my problems began, but I do remember when I had my second job in retail (when I was 19-20, Im 21 now) and worked in the fitting room, that one associate told a manager it smelled, they took me out and got air freshner all sprayed in there, I had a talk, cried my eyes out of embarrassment, and left early. those were the early days of realizing my problem, when it was first addressed, and i really do not know if it existed before that. (actually, looking back, at my first retail job at a bath shop at age 18-19, thats when i stopped wearing deo, and i remember my manager saying a comment "something smells funky" on one occasion). looking further back, i do remember excessive sweating/smelling incidients from age 16. when i hit puberty, thats when i started to sweat EXCESSIVELY i would have HUGE sweat stains on all my shirts. i do still get that sometimes, but i think the sweating was more drastic then. i dont remember odor problems before age 16, but its possible that i dont remember them. it took me a while to remember the 16y/o odor memory. i just remember being in math class and having sweaty smelly armpits.
I have been trying ever since then (my retail job in the fitting room) to completely cure my problem. with deodorants, soaps, washing detergent, diet, etc. those days at the job were the worst for me. if i had to work in the fitting room(which was 80% of the time, because i didnt communicate with customers well because i was constaly scared, and really started to dislike people because all of the hateful comments), people (customers & employees) would go in there and say how bad it smells, like something died, etc. I think it has gotten better than how It was during that time (i think mostly during that time it was my clothes that smelled because i live in a cat house, now i store my clothes in plastic bags after washed and don't let air touch them. also, i didn't wear deodorant for 3 yrs because my mom had Breast Cancer and i became a nature freak. that probably contributed to me stinking, yet in the past 5 months, I've tried at least 15 different deoderants from $1 to $20. I just gave in and started using lots of chemicals to cleanse me because it was either that or NEVER leave me house without being humiliated). I was made fun of all the time, a coworker would walk by me and say "dam that girl stinks she needs to take a shower!" that was a year and a half ago and I am still suffering anxiety from it badly. it seems like much longer though... the thing is, during that time i feel like i did know that i smelled. now, it feels like i rarely ever smell unless i'm home for 2 days straight and ditch deodorant-then i can smell myself and see that i have a smell.
I am just annoyed that I might have smelled all these months without anyone saying anything. I know it happened during the summer because a shopper at my work followed me around the store saying WHATS THAT SMELL IT SMELLS LIKE B.O. she was deliberately trying to humiliate me (which, btw, worked, and that's when i started wearing antiperspirants. for some reason, when people say it to me now it hurts a lot more than before. it did hurt before, but i was better at hiding it. now, if someone said tht to me at work like as it happened that day, i would ask to go home early because i couldn't bare with it one bit. i have considered quitting my job but i need the money to get through college and buy clothes, food, and hygiene products. i have been scared that i will be talked to for odor problems, but now i only work weekends so im barely there, no one has said anything since summertime, and i really believed that i probably dont smell anyore).
I think (or thought?) the past months have been fine, I almost forgot about my odor problem. im at a community college and I figured if I smell really bad someone who i'm sitting next to would say so, but that has never happened. especially since I sat near a girl who made fun of everyone and I always listened to see if she would say it smells or something, but she never, did so I thought I was fine. and whenever i smelled my shirts after taking them off, they just smelled like my deodorant. i have a really strict hygiene routine and have tried everything in those regards. I've also tried probiotics, chlorophyll, mgnsm, etc. not sure if any worked-- i do think probiotics (kefir more specifically) has helped me with health though, i don't know if it helped with odor
I didnt smell anything on my clothes I was wearing tonight, my bra, jacket, even after I took those off the only thing I could smell was my deodorant. I didn't feel dirty. usually if it smells I can smell it on the underarm area of my shirts or on my bras (except that hasn't happened for months, because i have found deodorants and soaps that eliminate (or hide?) my odor problem (which is probably mostly because my underarms sweat A TON since i hit puberty. like insane amounts, i never wanted to raise my hand and always held my arms straight to my sides in class...but i don't actually remember having body odor during that time. maybe i did and it wasn't a big deal, or maybe i don't remember...i just remember excessive sweat but i don't remember anything about odor
I just feel so humiliated.. did I always smell like this during the past few months, or am I just starting to smell again now, or do I not smell and those people were not talking about me? if i ever hear the word "smell" no matter how far away, i automatically assume it's me and panic.
I don't want to go to work tomorrow or leave my house. I don't want to be humiliated and made fun of. i'm so tired of dealing with this... I just want to have a normal happy healthy life
I want to see a doctor for this yet I don't know how to go about that, I never saw a dr in high school besides mandatory physicals when I was 16. im 21 now. I could have lots of things wrong with me and I am honestly scared to death to see a dr about my issues (which isn't just this...this one is just effecting me in extreme because i cant even communicate with people). I have worked up the courage several times to try to get a dr and call the hospital as I do have health insurance, yet everytime I call no one is there to help me they say call back later give a diff. number etc.
I feel so alone in this world.
i saw two guys last year and i'm pretty sure the first one "dumped" me because of this. he used to say stuff like "we should shower together" "i was at lush they have really nice things, ill get you some next time i go!" etc.
the second guy would ask me if i have hygienic problems, i got offended right away had a blank stare, would say, what? then he would pretend he didn't ask. and then sometimes he would indirectly say that i smell SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad.
im glad nothing progressed with either of those guys though. but it just reflects any other future relationships....if i ever have any again.
i avoid seeing friends and meeting people because i don't want them to know of my problem. maybe i dont smell all the time. i dont even know. i never smell anything bad anymore unless, like i said, i am at home for 2 days straight and skip wearing deo. my roommates last year would constantly say it smells really bad, and they saw me shower 1-2xs daily for long periods of time, i think they eventually felt bad for saying it smlled because one time one of them went into the kitchen and said "what is that smell" it was the first time i said "what smell? what does it smell like?" because i usually don't even answer with stuff like that, not knowing how to respond. another roommate was walking through and said "did you just make kkale? it smells like kale?" yet he was probably talking about me... (ps last year i did not wear deodorant, it's weird because now i own more deodorant than an avg person will in her life, yet for the past 3 years i stopped using it entirely)
I am coming here because I am not living with this problem anymore. I want to get rid of it. I want to see a doctor, I want to do every thing I possibly can to fix my life.