|
Post by junebug on Sept 17, 2013 14:13:25 GMT
I am scared sh^tless right now. I am going to be expelled from university the end of this year for academic failing. All my exams were Did not sits, because I was too afraid to go to class. This semester I paid with my own money and not the student loan (which I could no longer receive), so its not like I was not turning up to class for sh^ts and giggles. I feel like I really did try, but I just CAN NOT bear it. Mentally I feel so screwed up in the head. The work is not the problem, i find it easy and I like to study/write essays...its the being humiliated everyday I can not stand.
Now I feel like this is the last straw. I don't know what I can do. I feel like a complete failure. I think about killing myself every day, when before it only came every few months. I guess I felt like I still had some hope then but now I feel like I have none. I feel really close to killing myself. I have just been trying to plan when and how to do it. I want to do it next year after my parents are finished stressing out over my grandads special birthday coming up, and after christmas/new years, any important day that would remind them of me if I killed myself close to it. I just love my parents so much I don't want them to be hurt any more then necessary.
I feel like if I kill myself it will be better off for ever one. Because I am just a worry and embarrassment to my family. I asked my mum if I should just work for a year, minimum wage, any job, but she said I do not want to be one of "those people." I feel like I have run out of time to graduate from university with a degree. I am 22 now, nearly 23. So I would be 24 years old before I start from scratch. I just don't know what to do. I've never been a strong person, and I got this odour thing at 15, and it's made me into a very weak person.
I have tried the diets so many times, but I am so depressed. Food is literally the only thing I look forward to. Like, its pathetic how excited I get about it. I tried starving myself for two weeks but I was vomiting at work and it turned out to be all for nothing, and did not even work.
I don't know if anyone will read or reply, it just feels better to type it all out sometimes. sometimes I will post or sometimes I will just delete it all. anyway....bye
|
|
|
Post by Smelly1 on Sept 17, 2013 19:50:28 GMT
Hey,
I completely understand where you are coming from. There have been many many times when I've felt like you. People can be so rude and ignorant. People that I would have called friends have said some terrible things about me and my odour. At the end of the day, does it really matter what another person thinks of you? Really? Would you really throw it all away for a comment that someone else says about you?
I'm not sure if you've had any tests done or not but I would strongly urge you to do so. There is treatment out there and at the very least it is possible to at least manage the symptoms. A few months ago, I was exactly like you and now I've noticed an improvement. You've got this far with your education it's definitely worth continuing. Trust me, you'll regret that more in years to come. You've said that you are a weak person, but maybe this is your bodies way of making you act stronger. I know it has helped me become a stronger person, I've learnt loads about food and about people.
Anyway, look at your diet carefully. What are you eating? Are you eating foods that are highly processed, foods with a strong odour, high in sugar, high carbs, dairy. All of these could cause an odour.
I noticed an improvement with a change in diet and including beet flow and milk thistle- both of these are liver decongestants.
There is loads of information on the web. Do post up here again and maybe I or someone else can help.
|
|
|
Post by sickandtired on Sept 21, 2013 14:55:18 GMT
You're not alone Junebug. I've been thinking about the song "One day at a time" and am really starting to relate to it. -And I asked my parents if it was ok if I committed suicide and mom just threw a fit, so I guess it's not. I told her once I'd live as long as she did... Sigh... I keep hoping I'll heal, and it never happens. --I know it's not much to hold on to, but the same people that pick on you would do the same to me or anyone that was around them that had our problem. I think all of us with bo are pretty much interchangeable to them.
And I wish it didn't hurt as much as it does, but I've never found a way to stop it from hurting. Sometimes when I get a zinger threw at me, I just think 'hot potato', and throw an imaginary potato in the air for the next person that will be insulted to catch and throw. --I know it's strange, but I'm alone so much of the time that it helps to remember that other people are going through the same emotional pain I am.
This is a weird post, but I guess I'll post it.. I hope it helps someone.
|
|
|
Post by Stuck341 on Dec 22, 2013 19:37:05 GMT
Hi Junebug,
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I might be responding too late but I figured I'd try anyway. I had problems attending classes and concentrating while at University too. I ended up explaining the situation to the professors and for the most part they cut me slack. I know you might feel embarassed to confront your teachers about it, but it will be worth it if it will help you finish out your degree! Also you do not have to go into details when you approach them (it is not really their business anyway), perhaps you can tell them you have been having anxiety attacks and have social phobia and will be seeking treatment, and in the meantime if they can give you a Incomplete instead of an F, it would give the opportunity to finish out degree once you get better. If you explain you are in danger of being expelled, this might indicate the urgency of situation as well. Or perhaps you can go to a counseling center first and talk to a therapist and have him/her assist you with talking with your professors (this actually might be a better/easier way).
It is not fair that you will just have to wait to get expelled! And I think this situation can be remedied, you just have to speak up. You might even be able to get medical leave and some time to sort things before returning to school if need be. (The school might even make accomodations for you such as online study or taking tests in separate room, etc. I really believe there are ways to make things much easier on you. However, you have to let people know what is going on, or otherwise they won't know or help.) I would talk to a counselor/therapist about your options. I would also seriously consider getting some kind of treatment. You should not have to suffer through this mental agony everyday.
My problems started around 15 too. I'm 34 now. I still suffer from my issue but things do not look as bleak as they once did and am doing what I can do move on and even starting my own business etc. Things will get better for you if you stick this through!
Also you may think you are doing your family a favor by killing self. You are not. I think they would suffer far worse if you depart suddenly in such a desperate state of mind. If you talk to your family, I think you'll find they will do what they can to help, support and show you love!
You deserve love and understanding as much as the next person! There is much cruelty and ignorance in the world but it sounds like you have people who love you, please do what you can to reconnect! That will alone will make you feel worlds better!
Finally, I would strongly urge you to talk to a therapist because of the desperateness of your situation. Even if you have trouble going to someone in person, you have the option of online therapy if need be. If your family can help set you up with therapy this would be great!
I hope we hear from you again! Please take care!
(((Hugs)))
|
|
|
Post by luckyhope on Dec 22, 2013 21:09:16 GMT
stuck 341 gave you some really good advice. Take a chance to make life better. YOu have options. Don't ever think giving up is the right thing to do.
|
|