Talking with neighbors/employers

[healinghappens]

I'm wondering if any of you have been able to successfully smooth things over by talking with neighbors, employers and co-workers about your condition.

How did you talk to them, and how did it go?

I just want to ask my neighbors how it has effected them - but I'm worried it might backfire on me, quite frankly. I was thinking to leave a note in their mailbox with my mobile number because I'm never 100% sure whether or not I'm presenting symptoms - so face to face is too daunting.

I'm curious to know fellow "sufferer" opinions.

[mpdela]

Hi healinghappens,

I think that communications is frequently very helpful for the sufferer, depending on the sufferer's personality. Some people would feel comfortable writing and others prefer to speak to them directly, while others would be mortified with the thought of communicating at all.

My opinion is that you must be true to yourself and do whatever feels right for you. I personally have been an assertive communicator throughout my life, but always presented important topics as this strategically. Whenever possible, I have preferred to communicate in person when I can see body language, thus helping me determine when is the right time to mention it.

My second choice strategy is writing, whereby I can organize my thoughts to present what I want to say clearly, but then body language would not be a tool I can use. What if my neighbor is in a bad mood when he/she receives my letter?

Another factor to consider is what do you think would be more comfortable for your neighbor/employer based on their personality? If you write a letter to your employer, would he/she put it in your file forever? Would an oral conversation be put in your file?

This is just the way I think and feel based on my personality. I believe that neither one of these communication techniques are right or wrong, instead, what is important is what feels better for everyone involved and the job environment as well.

Best of luck to you. Please let us know how it goes for you.

María

[Sharon]

Hi healinghappens,

You should look into why you need to ask this person. Also are you prepared for the typical response of "I don't smell anything".

My experience has been to talk to people about this only on a need to know basis. It's rare to find someone that will be honest about this subject anyway and you don't want to get hurt by their response.

Just my 2 cents from experiences. Good luck.

Jul 19, 2011 6:26:36 GMT healinghappens said:

I'm wondering if any of you have been able to successfully smooth things over by talking with neighbors, employers and co-workers about your condition.

How did you talk to them, and how did it go?

I just want to ask my neighbors how it has effected them - but I'm worried it might backfire on me, quite frankly. I was thinking to leave a note in their mailbox with my mobile number because I'm never 100% sure whether or not I'm presenting symptoms - so face to face is too daunting.

I'm curious to know fellow "sufferer" opinions.

[lineshapes]

I feel I can offer you some feedback on this since I was in a similar situation. I moved into my flat about a year ago, and when I first moved in I was convinced that none of my neighbours would want anything to do with me. I have TMAU and the smell is quite bad, unfortunately. Fortunately for me my flat has its own entrance (so I don't have to use the same door as everyone else), anyway this entrance backs onto a passageway, and next to it is a small cottage. I was utterly convinced when viewing the property that whoever lived in that house would end up hating me/or would think I'm disgusting/would avoid me etc. You know those incredibly self defeating thoughts that you tell yourself. Anyway the lady who lived next door ended up inviting me round her house, and inevitable I refused. I obviously didn't want to get too close to her in case she hurt my feelings. Anyway, the lady kept persisting, so I finally gave in. That day I got to know her and found her to be a lovely lady.

Now I don't know if everyone would do this, but I'm quite open about the condition, even if it falls on deaf ears. I feel that my condition is quite bad (very obvious) so I want to tell as many people as possible. I don't want them to think I'm dirty or don't care about myself.

Anyway, so the nice lady invited me round again, (some people may find this incredibly naive or stupid, but I felt it was the right thing to do) so I bought with me a leaflet about TMAU. In the middle of our chatting I mentioned that I have a medical condition, and that it causes an unwelcome symptom. I basically just handed her the leaflet. I know alot of people wouldn't do this, but I would rather have people know, and at that point I didn't care. I wanted to get it out in the open. Anyway, its turns out she's been on a restricted diet for a health problem too. She said she didn't smell anything (everyone always does), and was incredibly nice about it. Asking me all sorts of questions.

Anyway the point is I am now very good friends with his lady. In the past she has even invited me round to her house and cooked choline free meals for me, knowing I can't eat a normal diet. I know not all people are as nice/approachable as her. Some people are all too quick to judge. Some people are just a@£$holes.

But for all the people who are going to make horrible comments/remarks, there are nice people out there. I don't know if coming out in the open about it is 'safe' in every situation. It depends on the type of people your dealing with. If you think they are nice people then go for it, but they will tell you they don't smell anything. . But for some people its definitely not an option, trust your gut.

For me personally, I want to tell everyone. It makes me feel less ashamed. I'd rather people know. Its the only way to get rid of the ignorance.

Anyway, sorry for the essay I've just wrote, got a little bit carried away there. Okay then, take care and goodbye and hope my ramblings have helped you in some small way.

[mpdela]

Hi everyone,

I love your story lineshapes.

After seeing TV Programs of sufferers who come forward and many people in our community who tell us that they have initiated discussions with their employers, family, and friends, I am convinced that there is such a diversity of personalities, and everyone must be true to their basic personality. The personality diversity in our community is clearly depicted when we hear that some people are so reserved that they haven't even discuss their BO problems with their spouse, while others have told the world on National TV...

Another example would be the tremendous personality differences between my husband and me. I tend to be very open and transparent about most everything, but am more reserved when it has to do with body odor. It took me a long time to find the right time to tell my parents and the rest of the family about what I'm trying to do in our community. Now, my husband, on the other hand, is EXTREMELY reserved and private in every detail of his life, and he would NEVER discuss this with his parents, rest of the family and much less with his employer. Yet, we have been happy together for 31 years in spite of our very different personality types precisely because we respect each other's wishes, boundaries, and limits.

Since I feel good being open about my affairs, I realized that there was something "not right" with my reservations about talking about BO to even with the people who are close to me; it was totally "out of character." So it was very liberating for me to eventually be able to do so. Yet, for my husband to struggle to talk about BO to anyone would be so totally out of character for him, that it would probably be more detrimental for him to "open up" than to remain reserved.

So I still believe that each person would benefit from being true to his or her individual personality. Sufferers who are extroverted would probably feel good and find healing at some level by opening up to others. Those who are introverted would find it much better to remain private and to work toward controlling the symptoms as best they can in total privacy. It's really a personal decision.

María

[healinghappens]

Hi Maria, Sharon, and lineshapes,

Thanks for giving me all those great points to consider. Yeah, I'm naturally introverted, so it's very difficult for me to talk about ANYTHING problematic. I'm only really open when I have great news. For me, it's that I feel the tension rising because of the close proximity to my neighbors. Last night I didn't think would be a problem because it was after one of my water fasting days. But I felt the vapor in my mouth I can feel when I'm guessing I'm putting off the odor profusely, and they were banging on the floor all night. So I don't know if it would cause more anger in them to try and explain or if it would calm them down.

I know exactly what you mean, Sharon, about the "I don't smell anything" response. I had asked the painters that have been around if they could detect anything, and to my face was "No". But when I opened the window yesterday, it was an entirely different story - because you can hear EVERYTHING going on outside my building when the window is open.

lineshapes, I'm SO glad to know that you had that kind of response and were able to engage with your neighbor like that. I know that's not gonna happen for me because neighbors have already been unkind, but fortunately not harassing to my face- which I take as a positive. But it gives me hope for the future to know that if this doesn't completely go away, there might be some place somewhere where there is an understanding soul nearby.

I'm not sure yet whether or not I will approach my neighbors, but I'll let you all know if I do - and what becomes of it.

[healinghappens]

Since there has been high stress to hit in the last few days, I've decided to not try to contact the neighbors right now. I really thought about what all 3 of you stated. I think you all have shed some important points. So, for right now, based on my inherent introversion and the current stress levels - I'm gonna wait on the contacting the neighbors. I just don't need any added stress at the moment. But I still might in the future when the stress levels decrease.

[mpdela]

Hi healinghappens,

I think you've made the right decision. We each have our comfort zone, and why add stress by going outside this comfort zone? If it were that you were having problems at work, and needed to request accommodations, then it would be an attempt to a solution to a stressful situation.

But if talking to your neighbors represents added stress, there really is no need, is there? Perhaps to someone else it wouldn't be stress. For me, it would be added stress, so I haven't done so.

I'm glad you've made your decision. Sometimes, having to make a difficult decision is stressful in itself. I hope you have reduced your stress with the decision you've made.

María