|
Post by Arun Nagrath on Oct 30, 2011 16:03:56 GMT
Hey Ben! Talk about a voice from the past! How are you doing mate? Long time no hear! How has college been? Have you done your exams? What did you get? Hey guys, are there any old timers here? Do you remember Ben? If there are any old timers here, please log in to say Hello and let's raise our glasses to salute Ben in his achievements at College. I am especially please you remembered us on your Birthday Ben. Happy Birthday dude. Ben I still remember your philosophical postings about being Socially Inept. I think we can all identify with this. I miss these chats and am reposting a few of your interesting and philosophical posts here from March 2009 on the thread called Socially Inept:- Cabel,
If they only knew, huh.
Sometimes I get women checking me out. Even when I was in high school, when I had just started a class where nobody knew me, I would get girls checking me out.
But I paid no mind to them. Then they would talk about in in class. They would say things like, "Oh, he must be gay or something. Why doesn't he talk to us?"
And then they would discover that I reeked whenever I had a "bad" day. Some still liked me anyhow, oddly enough.
I was much too unstable then to date though. Now I don't have the time or money.
I know that there are women out there that don't care if a man is perfect, because nobody is anyhow. Some women even accept guys with body odor, though they are a bit rare.
Yolanda-
I know exactly what you mean about the news spreading. I do not like to be the center of attention. Unfortunately, my condition always attracts attention.
I am not a social person at all really. I have never been. I am more social right now than I have ever been, and yet I am still not very social at all. I used to be completely unsocial. I was at home or work most of the time. I always slept a lot too. I used to sleep 10-12 hrs a day all the time. But it wasn't just depression, if depression played a factor at all. I was just tired all the time. Not that I'm full of energy today; I still have bouts of coma-like lethargy and extreme fibromyalgia at times. I hate when that hits. There are occasions when I have slept for 24-36 hrs straight. That really kills me when I am in college. It takes away from my study time. Luckily it doesn't happen all too often. I'm just a metabolic anomaly.
I guess that I have decided to not even try to be social anymore. It's just not me. I am reclusive and I like it. I feel best when I am alone completely.
Freud once said, "A man should not strive to eliminate his complexes but to get into accord with them: they are legitimately what directs his conduct in the world." I don't like being social, therefore I will not try to fight my natural inclinations and force myself to join social events and meetings.
After all, isn't it best to stick to what your good at. I am not good at being social. I suck at it! I'm like an Asperger's patient in a way. I don't even know how to be social and comfortable. I feel awkward socially. That's me, awkwardorganism,
I'm feeling awkward right now just typing this post. Maybe I am being too social here. I've overextended my tether of security and privacy by divulging my life to everyone here. I feel like I'm Jim Carrey on the Truman Show.
I like, no wait! I love being antisocial. I love solitude. I've been joining in social events at school and elsewhere where I feel very uncomfortable. Why do I do this? At first, I figured that I had to do this to try to get accustomed to people and being social in an effort to socialize myself. But it doesn't work.
I especially don't like how everyone knows about me before I even meet them. I've overheard so many comments at school that someone makes that I never met before. Not insults or anything, just other talk. "Is that the smelly guy? Is that Ben? I didn't smell anything on him. I didn't notice anything. Blah, blah."
Why does everyone have to make such a big deal of my condition? I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I miss being an over-the-road truck driver. It was so great! So great to be alone all the time. Nobody causing a fuss at all. Just me and Pandy. :shy:
Another thing that I can't stand is people trying to smell me. I've had student in class come from behind me and get really close and sniff. Then they walk away and say, "I don't smell it."
I don't smell every day, 24 hrs a day. It's random really. It's dependent upon too many factors, many yet unknown. Chemicals, food, fragrances, etc.
Just got off work, I'm tired and ready for bed now. Pay no mind to my gripes.
The news of our condition will spread. This is certain. We cannot escape this. We must do as Freud would do. Get into accord with our condition. Expect comments, expect news to spread. Expect people thinking your unhygienic and gross. Expect people to rub and crinkle their noses and give you a scowling look of disapproval. Expect people to disrespect you. Expect them to make jokes and shun you. Expect all these behaviors from everyone. If we expect all of this, then we will not be at all surprised. We will be prepared.
Just feel comfortable with yourself, and your body odor. We have body odor either way, we may as well feel comfortable. Expect to feel comfortable. Expect to feel at ease with people in the wake of your body odor in the breeze. Smile. Raise your arms into the air and wave them around now. Let the odor diffuse throughout. Don't be afraid of the odor. Let it out. (Hey, I didn't say pass gas, but that's ok if you really want to.)
It's all in our minds really. We can control our feelings about our situation. We have control. Don't let the odor control you. Don't obsess. Don't anger. Laugh. Go to a stranger and say to them, "My name is blah-blah, and I have body odor." Say it with a smile.
Now it's time for me to go to bed, body odor and all.
B.O. Pride Woohoo!
BenRight on Maria!
We have the right to be loners. I am a loner now, and I love it. I tend to like activities that are solo.
There are times that I enjoy company, but not for too long. I find that I always feel like I want to escape people if I am around them too long.
I actually think I have some kind of complex though. No matter what I do, if I am not doing something productive, then I feel like I am wasting time. I think I know why I feel this way. It's because I feel so far behind in life. I feel like I need to catch up. I mean this in regards to a career mainly. I know that if I was normal, with no medical condition or no deranged childhood, then I would be so much further than I am right now.
But then on the flip side, I would not be the person that I am now. Experiences shape us. I may not be as compassionate, determined, strong-willed, etc. Who knows, I may not have even been alive had I taken a different path. I would have probably dated tons more women, maybe contracted an STD/HIV. I may have turned out to be anyone that I am not currently. Because according to my philosophy, we are all who we are due to the compilation of all experiences that we have encountered, in addition to the DNA that determines our physical being. Could it really be any other way?
I am who I am due to everything that has shaped me. And I'm taking Cabel's advice and going to the gym to become shaped well in body. So really, I am very thankful for the person that I am. I love myself. Even with my body odor, I would not rather be anyone else. So I guess that I don't have it so bad really. There are people that have perfect childhoods and perfect this n' that, yet they are not perfect, nor are they certain to be happy.
If we really think about it, everything is within our minds. How we react, feel, respond, etc. Our thought processes can be changed with time and effort. I am working on this myself. Like a personal experiment.
I know that I say that I love being antisocial, but there are times when I like to be social. Sometimes, as cruel as some people can be, there are people that are really good to talk to, and to learn from, and even to teach. I wish I knew more of these people, but they are out there.
I think with the mental/emotional damage that many/most of us have suffered, we find it difficult to interact with people. Perhaps that is the underlying reason that we treasure our solitude, our moments of peace and tranquility.
I know that I've even denoted myself as a sociopathic misanthrope once or twice. I guess that I cannot help but be brutally honest. That is just my nature. There are times when I am such. But really, I have absolutely nothing against anyone. It is evil deeds that anger me, not the people that commit the deeds. Remember, my philosophy entails that people become who they are because of their environment and experiences, as well as DNA. All in all, we are products of our experiences. I say again; Can it be otherwise?
I think I must have made my philosophy professor think I was one step away from the loony bin. I read some of the papers that I wrote for her class and I think to myself, "What the hell were you thinking Ben, writing such words and ideas to a professor?" I showed my sister some of my papers and even my sister told me that I should keep some things to myself or others will think I'm nutty, or worse, turn me in to the authorities or eject me from school. I tell you though, that was my favorite class yet, and by far.
I like to be a loner. But I also like to socialize at times. I think that I have too extreme of an antisocial personality, and that it interferes with my interpersonal skills. But I have the belief that I can become good at anything that I attempt to do if I give it my best. And so I will not force myself to be social so quickly, but rather, I will ease into being a social being, just as I am doing right now.
I started by simply enrolling in college, which was a giant leap. I was so uncertain about it, I almost didn't do it. But then I started classes. I found that I loved going to school more and more. There were students that made comments and jokes at first, but there were also students that were really nice to me anyhow, students that actually sat right next to me the entire semester and even talked with me.
I have come to find that in every class, and every group of people for that matter, there are people that reject you and think that your nasty scum, other people pay you no mind whatsoever, and some, although usually very few in number, that seem to not even notice that anything is wrong with you and treat you like a human being.
Just image. What if everyone in the world really respected everyone else? I view myself as being no better than anyone else, no matter what they have done, even if they have committed heinous crimes. Because, as my philosophy demands me to think, everyone becomes who they are by their experiences. If just one thing were different, then a murderer or rapist may not have committed their crime. If just one thing were different, the pope, any preacher, or any good-standing citizen could potentially have committed any crime or vile act.
So I hold nothing against anyone. Those people that torment others could have been anyone else. They could have been me or you. What is the difference between any two people? Experiences and DNA. Funny that I'm not a religious guy, but I do love to read many religious books, in addition to Buddhist writings/wisdom. There is a lot of good wisdom to be found within any religious writings.
Geez, I've already typed way more than I meant to here. I have a habit of rambling on when I type. Maybe it's to make up for my deficiency of social interaction. Maybe it's because I like to write.
I think it is best that I end with a few Buddhist quotes that I like. Enjoy, and no offense to people of any differing religions or beliefs. All in all, I think that religions aim for the same targets for the most part anyhow. I respect every individuals beliefs, and I hope that my beliefs are respected as well.
Live in Joy
Live in Joy, In love, Even among those who hate.
Live in joy, In health, Even among the afflicted.
Live in joy, In peace, Even among the troubled.
Look within. Be still. Free from fear and attachment, Know the sweet joy of living in the way.
As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery. We have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger and attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion, a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.
Dalai Lama The whole purpose of religion is to facilitate love and compassion, patience, tolerance, humility, forgiveness.
Dalai Lama
I particularly love this one. It figures, doesn't it. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world. Buddha
Pay no attention to the faults of others, things done or left undone by others. Consider only what by oneself is done or left undone.
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. Buddha
On life's journey Faith is nourishment, Virtuous deeds are a shelter, Wisdom is the light by day and Right mindfulness is the protection by night. If a man lives a pure life nothing can destroy him; If he has conquered greed nothing can limit his freedom.
BenHey Debra,
You are correct. I am not religious by any means, nor spiritual even. Although, I have read the entire Bible, and also, I like to read other religious writings. Even though I am not religious, nor have any interest in becoming religious, I find religion fascinating.
And as for the quotes. I don't care who comes up with a quote. If a mass murderer came up with a quote that I liked, then I would have no problem using it or passing it along. Wisdom can come from any kind of a person, not just religious leaders and prophets. Indeed, according to my philosophy and beliefs, even religious leaders and prophets are regular people just like you and me. I don't believe anyone is better or superior to anyone else, no matter who they are made out to be.
One thing that I find aggravating is when I see people with lots of money, like actors and CEOs, give huge donations with all the publicity. If I were to give a huge donation, I would do it anonymously. There is no need whatsoever to be public, that is, unless one was out to get noticed for their good deed. To me, if you need public exposure for a good deed, then there really is no good behind the deed. Instead, the deed is payment for the public exposure and adoration of the foolish.
Now then, about the last question you asked. Do you not know me, or do I not know me? That's actually a very heavy question to ask of me. I cannot come up with any quick answer, and I don't have the time right now for a long reply.
But to put it simply, the answer to both is no. You do not know me, nor do I know myself completely. And it is because nobody truly knows themselves or any other individual completely. It is mainly because everyone changes all the time. Sometimes drastic changes can occur within a very short time (like rehab/sex change)
There are certain things that I know about myself, but I cannot say for certain that there is anything that cannot and will not change about me. For instance, I hated peas as a young un', but now those peas have become mighty tasty to me. I can eat an entire can now. Hooray!
Nobody knows me fully . I don't know myself fully. But at any given moment, I do know much about who I am at the time being. Like right now. I know who I am right now. But only up to a point. There are so many issues in which there may be some uncertainty within me. I don't have total omniscience, therefore I may be wrong on anything that I think myself certain to know.
I know myself like I book that I have read and then never read again. I'm a forever changing book. Every day new pages are added, every day pages forgot. And I am glad for the latter. What would it be like if humans never forgot anything? That would be most horrible. Every time I remembered anything bad, such as touching a hot stove for instance, then I would feel the exact pain that I felt when I actually had my hand on the stove. :s That would be no good, so I'm glad that my brain does forget much of what I experience in life. This is why no mater what we go through, if we can last and endure just a bit longer, and a bit longer, in incremental moments of time, then eventually we come to find that we have weathered our challenges, and we have learned and become stronger than we were before.
I think that you are certainly correct Debra. I am asocial due to my negative experiences around people. I have come to learn that being around people is negative, and will result in negativity. People may may comments. They might make jokes. They may laugh at me or just shun me. This is my learned behavior. I have it instilled within my brain to avoid such situations due to repetitive negative experiences. My brain is hard wired to react with anxiety and apprehension whenever I am forced to be around people. I get the feeling that I want to escape. That's fight or flight for you.
But now my mind has becomes shaped and molded, and I have become antisocial as a consequence of my experiences. But I am comfortable being antisocial. There is no comfort when I am surrounded by people. That is exactly how I feel too, surrounded.
I am trying to change this way of thinking. But such changes to the hard wiring of the brain do take lots of time and effort. Every day I edge a bit closer to becoming social. Sometimes I am pushed back and revert to where I started. But I try to persist anyhow. I must go headfirst into the wind and make my way to where I want to be. It is much easier to just go along with the wind, but I always like a challenge anyhow. So now I solved this problem by not going out on windy days.
And it it rains, I will bring an umbrella. No, wait! I like the rain, I will just run around in the rain like a mad man, singing and whistling happy tunes, with maybe a skip here or there, a swing around the pole of the stop sign, a tilt of my top hat, the occasional tapping of my cane on the wet pavement to add a bit of rhythm to my songs, and maybe a bit of tap dancing too. Haha! Wow! That sounds like a dream that I had a few nights back. I was a star, I tell ya'. I have some really great moves.
Now if only I had such moves in real life. I can't wait for the next good rainfall. No umbrellas.
BenRE: Socially inept Hey Debra,
Really crazy thoughts!? Hmmm, I have no idea of what you speak of. Nary a crazy thought was ever thunk in my brain of innocence n' complete sanity. :angel:
"Don't get you knickers in a twist." Haha, that is very close to something that I do say once in a while, "Don't get your panties in a bundle." Hehe. But that only works for girls, not guys. Unless it's a guy that wears panties, of course.
Well, if you think like me, then I would probably get along fine with you in person. Although I can't say for certain. I'm antisocial, so who knows.
I'm not really that antisocial, or else I would not type so much here. I do notice that I am much less sociable when I have breathing problems, which is most of the time. When it's tough to breathe, it just takes away all the breath that I need to live when I have to talk, especially for an extended time. I become winded and don't want to talk. So there is more than one reason for my antisocial behavior. Good thing I can type as much as I want with no problem. That is, until the carpel tunnel comes around.
I never even considered becoming a professor. But if I am to become a researcher, I may have to teach some classes also. I think it could be lots of fun to frame impressionable young minds, and also attempt to reshape the minds of the older crowd of students also. I think that I could be very good if I became more social. But would you trust me with your impressionable mind? That is the question.
Well, I am not sure about what you mean by the really crazy thoughts, but I think I might know what you speak of. But it's not my fault. My thoughts are due to the entire collection of experiences that I've experienced. And this is very interesting to me; the experiences people have, I mean. Because according to my philosophy, there is not control over anything, even though it does seem so.
Instead of writing anew what I have already written, I will just post a philosophy paper that I wrote last year.
Christianity (The New Testament)
Personal Reaction
I do not like how women were treated as inferior to men. This seems disrespectful in my mind. But this treatment was due to interpretation of holy writ. I deplore inequality between men and women, or different colors or creeds. And I think of the inequality that persists today.
My life experiences have formed the person that I am, and my view of human nature. My disbelief in God is a result of the knowledge that I have received from all my experiences combined. Therefore, if a heaven and a God exists, it must be chance that one would believe in God. And therefore, chance that one would go to heaven. When one thinks deeply enough, everything is truly based upon chance. Every choice is based on a foundation of chance. Therefore, there really is no true choice with any and every given act. All is chance. I challenged myself to think of anything at all that could be considered to be an act of choice, void of the influence of chance. And I could not think of anything at all, because there is not anything at all that is devoid of chance.
I'll provide a simple example to clarify this. Is it choice if I decide to look up or down at this given moment? This act is based upon chance completely. I'd have to write an essay to explain this. Since the act is based upon chance, then it truly is not a choice. To conclude from the aforementioned argument, there is no such thing as having a choice. Like the moons effect on the oceans tide is the human situation comparable, albeit the human situation is considerably more complex.
Some people do not have the capacity to understand this. It is beyond the grasp of their minds. I liken it to an onion. Each layer is a certain level of cognition/comprehension(CCC) capacity. The innermost layer has the least CCC, and therefore these people will have limited understanding; the outermost has the most CCC, and therefore these people will have extremely deep understanding. This is interesting in itself. I wonder why this is. The mind is not an onion, so then what is the exact root of this CCC that I relate to an onion. This course has provoked many more questions that answers. But my point is only this; some people cannot understand certain concepts regardless of examples provided. And this provokes yet another question. What concepts can I not understand? Nobody is at the outermost layer of the onion, else they would be able to solve any problem and understand any concept. Is there concepts that I cannot touch? Indeed there must be.
Perhaps God is one such concept. Just because people have faith does not mean they know for certain. Conversely, having no evidence does not mean that God does not exist. But having faith is complete chance in my book. But! If there is a God, then perhaps nothing is chance. An almighty God may serve as a guide. But it is still complete chance yet, in regards to the human. But not chance for God, as nothing would be chance for God. So then indeed, I come full circle back to my former argument. If God makes the choices, then humans are like puppets without choice, and therefore it is indeed chance that anyone would believe in God or go to heaven. Everything is chance! Nobody is in control of anything. All actions are chance. Everything in the universe is chance. I'm just flowing and ebbing along with the tide. I don't know what I might do next. I'm unsure. And if I think about what I will do next, then even the thought is chance. I have no control at all. I'm like a puppet whose stings are pulled by arbitrary whim. And I cannot stop it. There is nothing I can do to prevent the whim of chance.
But wait. Stop. Hold on a minute. Take a deep breath. Relax the mind. I have the choice to stop writing at this very minute if I want to. I have this choice. It is my choice. I could stop or keep on writing. I can underline what I write. This is my choice. Isn't it? But then I think. And I begin to see that I am fooled by thinking this is a choice. Chance masquerades as choice; choice is only an illusion. People are fooled believing they have choice. Indeed, I was once fooled also. It was not my choice to underline that sentence. I thought of the idea first. And then I went through and did it. My thought was not choice. It was chance. Chance has it that I thought of underlining, as opposed to not writing anything at all. Even if I think I am in control, I am truly not. And it is by chance that I am able to understand that everything is chance. My argument could be argued, and it is chance whether it is or is not. I'm hungry now after all this thinking. I must make a choice of what I want to eat later. But I cannot choose, because it is all chance. Chance will decide for me, therefore I need not even think about it right now. It's not as if I have any choice in the matter anyhow. It's all up to my buddy Chance. Hope he chooses something good to eat tonight. Hope he decides to allow me dessert.
This theory of human nature that I believe has some interesting implications. I believe myself to be righteous today, but there is no way of knowing what I will become tomorrow. I may become a serial killer, a priest, a thief, or anything else. This is not even in my control at all. It is not up to me to decide. Nobody is guilty, nobody innocent. And this seems to be so entirely true; I cannot find any reason to dispute. And any change that I try to make, or any aspiration I may have, is not truly of my own will. Although it does seem to be. And I cannot, in no possible way, change the inevitable path that my existence travels.
But I have a brain. I am able to think, and to create ideas. I am human. I am in control of my life and my own destiny by the free will that I have. Right? It does seem so. But it is not truly so. An illusion. I'm like a cast member in a play that has not been informed that I'm in on the act. And will forever be. We all play our parts so well. There can be no err. Everyone acts their part perfectly. And I cannot change the character that I am. Any change is not due to my desire, but to utter chance. I can do nothing of my own will. Although this may seem frightening, I am actually very calmed by this. Nothing could be more beautiful.
So then what I am for? Who am I? What shall I do? Who will I become? My purpose is arbitrary. I am what I am. I do as chance determines. I will become what becomes of me. My thoughts are not of my design. My every thought is a chance creation. My every act, but chance. And I reflect on my life. Chance has been unkind. I can in no way determine my future. Chance determines all.
But there is one last topic I want to convey. Please do not think I am mentally insane because of my radical views of human nature. I believe that I am correct. Everyone else believes they are correct. There was a time when the Earth was believed by everyone to be in the center of the universe. One guy theorized this was untrue. He was correct, everyone else was wrong. I suppose it is your choice of whether your thoughts align with mine. Oh, wait a minute, it is not choice is it, it is chance. Oh Chance, will you not allow me any choice? If I choose to do absolutely nothing, then do I not escape from your grasp? But I cannot fool Chance; by doing nothing at all, it is chance yet. And even upon my death, Chance does not die. And I think to myself- Chance, you rule me. My God...Chance...my God.
Critique
St.Paul penned a letter to the Romans which warned against denying God and living in sin. The truth of God is obvious, even being disclosed to humankind. Gods' existence can be reasoned by all his creations. Therefore, wickedness and impiety are not condoned, and are indefensible. Those who accord glory unto any other than the one true God are fools. Those who sin and know the decree of God will be punished.
Eternal life awaits those who are pious and righteous. For Gentiles that are not privy to the Law of Moses, they will be judged according to their heart, their actions. Only through Christ can Gods' grace be attained. Everyone is able to have faith in Jesus, and God is the God of all humankind. Adams' misdeed condemned humanity, but Christ sacrificed his life for all of humanity.
By baptism, humans enter union with Christ Jesus, baptized into his death so that humans can then begin life anew, as Jesus' resurrection renews his life. Baptism is the destruction of the sinful self. Sin shall not be master over the human body, for baptism provides grace, humans being no longer under law. When humans are slaves of sin, they are free from righteousness.
Law is made to inform humanity of commandments against undertaking certain acts which are forbidden or sinful. There must be law for sin to have meaning. The commandments kill sin and enable holy life. The unspiritual self does not have the ability to do good, but instead is a slave to sin. The law of the spirit sets humans free from the law of sin and death. Unspiritual beings have enmity with God, and are subject to death, while the spiritual have love for God, and eternal life and peace. The spirit of God and Christ must be adopted to share the glory of God, but humans must also share in Christs' suffering. Nothing can separate humans from the love of God through Lord Jesus Christ. There is the physical body which is perishable, and the spiritual, imperishable being.
Women have men for their leadership, as men have Christ, and Christ has God. Women shame themselves by praying to God without a veil covering their heads, as bad as if her head were shaved. Man is the image of God, while women are a reflection of the glory of man. This is because the woman came from man, created for the sake of man. The long hair of women serves as a covering, woman's glory.
Argument
All that St.Paul wrote was based upon his interpretation of the holy bible. The truth of God is certain to him, but not so obvious to others. The existence of God is proved by all the creations owing to God. This is not a fact. There is no scientific or argumentative evidence which supports this supposition with a stable foundation. The proof is holy writ, which is inspired into the minds of prophets by God. But for all that the prophets have written, there is no evidence that any of these written words are words of God. Without evidence, one has only faith to rely on. And faith could be attached to any idea or belief. Supporting evidence can be dredged up to support any claim, but that very evidence is subject to evaluation. But then the subject commencing with the evaluation is by nature biased by the knowledge that is contained within the mind. Therefore, any evaluation of evidence is flawed and inadequate to begin with, and unless one has infinite knowledge this plight to proof will always exist.This realization encapsulates all existence.
Can there exist good without spirituality? Absolutely. I am not spiritual, yet I consider myself to be good. That is, good in regards to the code of morality that humans created. There are spiritual people who sin continuously, while there are nonspiritual people who sin rarely. Adhering to any faith or religion does not guarantee righteousness or virtue, atheism does not equate to immorality or vice. St. Paul totally misses the entire target here, and it is because of his bias.
Therefore reality is relative to every pondering creature. The reality is that there exist many realities. But then what is truth? Is there only one truth? I contend that truth is much like reality. There exists many truths, not solely one. There is a fruit called durian that is a delicacy to some. This fruit tastes very good, but the odor is extremely repulsive. Indeed, I would describe consuming this fruit as eating pudding in a septic tank. The Vietnamese man who offered me a sample of the fruit loved the taste and the odor of the fruit. The odor was so bad, and the consistency of the fruit not unlike feces. I was hesitant to try it, but I gave in. The taste was interesting, not fully comparable to anything I had ever eaten. Although, the odor was so intense that I could not relish the flavor for long. I swallowed the fruit. Minutes later the odor of the fruit lingered in within my mouth, being exhaled and then inhaled into my nose. My stomach turned and I could not keep the fruit down. I did not want to disrespect this Vietnamese man, but my emotional feelings could not overcome the odor that lingered. And to the bathroom I escaped. To this man, it was truth that the fruit was good. To me, truth that the fruit was not good.
Another example is beauty. What is beauty? Beauty seems to have no definitive truth. Is is true that hyenas are ugly? If so, how so? Is every supermodel beautiful? I do not think there is any one truth, not even within one's own being. Truth changes. It was true to me that peas were disgusting as a child, but it is just as true to me now that peas are delicious. Which is the truth? Are peas disgusting or delicious? Can a single quality of peas, the taste, be both? The colors that people see are not even truth, but only dependent upon the vision their eyes provide. I am colorblind, and colors are indistinguishable to me. Bees see different colors than humans. Which colors are the truth? Truth is often whatever each individual organism views truth to be. Truth varies through time and culture, and from organism to organism.
But I sit here and ponder truth. Isn't it true that I do indeed ponder truth? Yes, this is true. This truth does not depend upon anything. It is true regardless of my denying, or anyone else denying this truth. So there is surely some truth that is not subject to variation, bias, or change. And this cannot be disputed. For me to type these words, and for you to read them, there is indubitable truth that these words were written due to my ponderance of truth. So then it seems established that there is certain, concrete truths, besides biased, subjective truth. But how can these be distinguished in the quotidian world? What is truly true, and what is truly false? Surely some perceived truths are false, and likewise, some falsities true. What a conundrum!
F-You
All my thinking about the grip of Chance on the world got me to thinking of insults. It is insulting in the United States to give someone the middle finger. And so imagine this.
Imagine a room filled with students, sitting at desks. There is one teacher in front of the class, giving lessons. Now suddenly, the teacher raises his hand upward and flicks off the class. This being done while making direct eye contact with one particular student, from relatively close range, maybe 10 ft away or so. How would that student react?
If the eye contact was focused on the same student with every "finger" the teacher gave, then the student would surely assume that the act was directed toward himself, and not random or directed toward the class as a whole. The other students would not be offended, because they all know they are not subjects to the "finger." Indeed, the entire class would probably think that this was quite humorous, as would the teacher. But not the subject.
But perhaps it is just chance that the teacher happens to eye the same student every single time the "finger" is given. Every day of class, many times a day. There is no proof that the teacher is directing his actions toward anyone, just assumptions. Although everyone in class assumes the teachers direction to the subject, by the evidence of his eyes.
This is an interesting thought experiment. There is no way to prove the teachers intentions. Only the teacher knows with certainty. But what if the student were to give the "finger" to the teacher.
This would seem to be obvious to everyone in the class that the students act is aimed toward the teacher. That is because the teacher is the only one in the front of the classroom. But the student could be simply giving the "finger" to nobody. It is possible that the act is not aimed toward anyone. But everyone would assume. Especially if eye contact was made with the teacher every time.
The purpose of this experiment is to prove that people make assumptions based upon information they receive. Assumptions are often accurate, but sometimes they are not. Assumptions can never be proven, as they are subject to interpretation. But sometimes assumptions are supported with so much evidence that they seem to be certain. As in the "finger" case I've demonstrated.
Sure, the teacher may be able to get away with giving the "finger" to the student. But the student can also play the same game. As where no evidence exists, no offense exists.
Now imagine a woman jogging down a path on a beautiful spring morning, birds chirping, the smell of fresh cut grass lingering in the air. Then a man comes running out of the bushes that line the side of the path. The man looks scraggly and ominous. He runs along the path, directly behind the woman. The woman assumes the man is following. She becomes frightened as the man nears. She runs faster but cannot escape. She screams, falls to the ground, and starts to weep uncontrollably.
The man soon approaches as I squad car pulls up. The man reaches to help the woman. The woman screams in fear. The cop pulls over, pulls his gun, and aims at the man. The woman cries in relief. She is saved. But saved from what? The man was only out for a jog, and then he seen this woman fall down, and he was courteous enough to help her. Instead, she views that he was chasing her, and that is why she fell. She explains this to the cop. The man is arrested. Because of assumptions, the man becomes a criminal, the woman a victim, the cop a hero.
I could make up countless stories relating to assumptions. Was it wrong for the woman to assume? Was it wrong for the student to assume? Absolutely not. Both were good assumptions. Survival depends upon making assumptions to avoid danger. Was the teacher wrong? Was the male jogger wrong? Absolutely not. Both were subjects of assumptions. But only those subjects are certain of their intentions. Both may be guilty, both may be innocent. It's all a matter of interpretation and facts.
I have commited some horrible acts. This may raise red flags and sirens. Assupmtions may be made. I have taken many lives before. I once killed an entire family. I did feel some remorse for doing it. Nobody can prove what I did. Nobody saw what I did. There is no evidence of my act. Call 911. I'm a murderer. But never can this be proven.
I killed a family of rats, even babies. I was maybe 10 years old. They were living in my house, in one of my fathers old gym bags. I discovered them when I heard them make noises. There was a storm that day, and the ditch outside was filled with water. I threw entire bag into the water. It floated, so I threw a log onto it, and it sunk. After I did it, I felt terrible. I killed babies. I questioned why I had to kill them.
But then I realized that I eat animals all the time, and they are murdered for me. But I did not like it. Those poor creatures. Those poor baby rats. I could have been one of those rats. I could have been the burger, steak, or any other animal that I consume. The baby rats were on my mind for days. I felt like a criminal. But I knew why I did it. The rats would grow up and crawl into my bed. They would eat my food. Those pests! They deserved what they got.
But then I go back to thinking that I could have been a rat. And I feel saddened for my act. My emotions wavered like a pendulum, ambivalence affected my heart and mind. I did not know what to think. Should I eat animals? Should I kill animals?
Now that I have grown, the rats still knaw at my brain. And I think to myself. Is there a difference between taking the life of an animal and a human? I'm not entirely sure. A life taken is a life taken. But humans live richer lives, are more aware of themselves and others. But not a mentally retarded person. Such a person is not unlike an animal then, and I mean no offense. I believe all creatures are only creatures with differing abilities and capabilities. So then with that line of thought, because humans have the ability to think rationally and create complex ideas, then that is why humans are different from animals. But nonetheless, still animals.
Would I feel more guilt by taking a human life? I would, and much more. But why? Is this rational? I suppose it is because humans have deeper feelings. Humans are more aware of themselves and others. More cognizant of their state of being. And humans have connections of similarities that equate to deep love in some cases. So then killing a human would feel much worse than killing any other animal. Not because a human has been killed, but because of the love, feelings, and emotions that are killed, attached to that particular human and relatives and friends.
Is it possible that I could kill a human? Almost anything is possible. The pope could potentially kill another human. I truly believe that whatever is possible for someone to do can potentially be done. Any act is accomplished depending upon numerous, arbitrary factors that happen to commingle at a specified time and place. No act can be avoided or prevented. Any measures to avoid or prevent an act from occuring are in themselves a part of the development of future acts.
This equates to fate. To fatalism. And it seems most true. I cannot say whether I will not take a human life. I cannot say anything with certainty. If I could, then I would be able to see into the future. Whatever I do is not of my will. And this is true for eveyone that has or will exist. There is no way to alter this course of existence. Nobody choses anything. Not Hilter, Stalin, Ghandi, Shakespeare, nor any villain or saint. Isn't life grand? That depends upon one's view of human nature, I suppose. And that depends upon chance. And chance is played out following the creation of the universe. We are all fools of fate. Some are aware, but none can change fate.
I might have thought this concept crazy long ago. And that makes me wonder. Crazy people have crazy ideas and beliefs. But what is crazy? The word is derived from Middle English crasen, which means to shatter. But the definition of crazy is to become mentally deranged, derived from French deranger, which means de + line. And so crazy means mentally out of line, or shattered. But then what does it mean to be in line, or out of line? Who makes the line? Whatever line one is in is the correct line. This is because everyones line is unchangeable.
But most people fall along the same line. Boring. Isn't it interesting to be out of line. If everyone were to follow the same line, then there could not be existence. Existence depends upon deviation from the line. Wow, that's insightful. So then with this clarification, it is true that everyone is out of line in some way. Therefore, everyone must be crazy. And none are actually crazier than others in reality. Craziness depends upon perspective. Someone viewed as crazy simply deviates far from the line of the observer, but is in no way any crazier than the observer. Everything is relative. I must conclude that I am relatively crazy then. I am what I am. I will become what becomes of me.
BenGosh Yolanda! Firstly, I m sorry for taking the reins of your post and turning it into my own an outpouring of my philosophy ramblings.
I just read your starting post again. And it's so touching. :heart:
I can relate so well to your words. I don't ever attempt to start anything related to dating or social connections. I have given up on those things long ago. I will almost certainly be single forever, but I'm alright with that. I am extremely greedy with my time; after all, we all only have some much of that- ticking all the time- away, away, and then we are no more. I will some day be no more, and it isn't that far away. It isn't even for a newborn. That is why we must live our lives the best way we can.
It always feels so good to start over. To begin anew. I always loved the feeling when I'd start a new job. Nobody there knew about me. I could hold my head high for a while. And then it came down like thunder. I'd have a "bad day," and then the talking would start. And after a second bad day, I was certainly doomed to be disregarded, disrespected, and labeled forever. I would become the new employee on day one, and transform into the new, smelly employee as soon as the news spread. It always spread very rapidly. Then they all would come on over; they'd come over to get a whiff. Even strangers that I'd never met yet. Some would walk away disappointed. I didn't smell that day, so they didn't detect anything. I'd hear them say everything.
I don't know what it is, but people seem to think that whispering cannot be heard. My ears are extremely acute. I hear. Just today I was walking to Biology class to take my final exam. The room was locked, as the professor hadn't returned yet with his usual Banquet T.V. dinner (yummy, I eat them too). And I walked by this bench that this idiotic lady was sitting on with another girl from class. After I was about twenty feet away, I easily heard her whisper, "That guy smells."
I have my new way of thinking. I try very hard to let everything just pass on by without any negative reaction on my part;Without lapsing to the dark side (Here's to you Debra:P). But I was so close to just wanting to explode and say something. I sat down and studied my Bio book a bit more, but I couldn't concentrate. I almost wished I had said something. The woman is an idiot, I know this by her exam score from the previous exam, and she seems like an idiot in addition. And she's old an ugly.
I just so badly wanted to turn around and walk right over to her and yell all my thoughts directly into her face, maybe with a little spittle flying out on purpose. I wanted to say, "Hey you old, idiotic, worthless piece of shit. I have a metabolic disorder. I know that I have body odor sometimes. This much I realize. I am so ****ing tired of hearing other people comment on my body odor. Do you think that I'm dirty? Do you think I don't shower? What the **** is wrong with you? Do I whisper to everyone how ****ing stupid you are? Yes, I seen your exam score on our last Bio. exam. You are a ****ing idiot. Why are you even in school? You may as well drop out you dumb ****. I could split my score in half and I'd still top you. Why don't you just keep your idiot mouth closed because you are the furthest thing from perfect that I think I've ever seen. And I've laid turds that looked better than you. If you have a guy, boy, that guy must look like a maggot within a turd. I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole, and then some. Yes, I stink sometimes, but I think I'd rather be me than you. Your quite pathetic. But I'm sure I need not tell you. I'm sure that you already know."
Whew! That felt really good. But at the same time, I would never do such a thing. That woman has issues. Why would anyone point out flaws in another? I think it must be only in an attempt to raise their own self worth, and that's pitiful. I pity her. She could probably do better in class if she put her mind to it. Maybe she is depressed because she's has no man. After all, she is nothing to look at. But there are guys out there that are nothing to look at, and they might look at her. And she might hit it off with him.
I just find it so difficult to understand why people do certain things. I know that I've posted posts that may make it seem like I am kinda loony in a way. But I'm really not. I am just explaining my philosophy of reality. And just as a piece of clay can be formed in any particular way, so can a human. It really depends upon the molder of the clay. Who is that in regards to the human? It is experiences and DNA. And I guess that can be encapsulated by circumstance. Circumstance determines experiences and DNA. So it's all up to circumstance. And that is why we are all here reading post on this message board.
Geez, here I go again. I get to typing and there is no stopping my flow of ideas and memories. Sorry Yolanda.
Back to your post, I promise.
You seem like a darn great woman. I really hope that everything turns our wonderful for you. It does feel great to start over. I even thought about leaving my college to go to another. Everyone knows about me already there. There are some good aspect about this. Some understand and don't bother me at all. Others make comments anyways.
I think I get tired of trying to escape. It's wearing. I hate having bad days. I did really good my first semester of college. I didn't miss a single class no matter how horrible I reeked. But then I got weaker, and I couldn't go anymore on my worst days. I just stayed home. I really hate the ups and downs with this condition. Not just with body odor, but mentally!:@
Sometimes I think it may be better to reek all the time. At least then I'd be consistent. People detect that I don't reek one day, and then reek the next and they think they know that I am just dirty or something. I can read people pretty well. I can read their eyes and expressions with psychic precision. And it's only because I'm used to reading the expressions on people's faced and the looks in their eyes. The face and eyes give away lots of information.
For instance, I had this professor in a former class that always made comments about me in class, then I complained and wrote him that poem, "The Pupil and the professor." Well just when I thought I may never have to deal with him again, he ended up teaching as a substitute for my Literature class the very next semester for one day.
After taking me outside the classroom to have a word with me, he denied any wrongdoing and insulted me with some statements about my philosophy. Apparently, him and my philosophy professor were in cahoots or something, which I suspected from the get go. She must have let him read my papers from philosophy class. And my papers probably made me look insane, and therefore I'm sure that they believed every word the innocent professor said.
Anyhow, when he substituted that day, he had the nerve to make more comments, even after he confronted me and told me that he, "did not detect any odor on me." I wish i had a camcorder on me. He looked so pissed off and red in the face. I thought he might strike me. Good thing he didn't, I would have had to take him down. And without being gentle.
But in class that day, as a substitute mind you, he made additional comments to me. Hidden comments that nobody would catch onto, except myself. He made comments about love. And he asked the class, "Do you all know what love is? I certainly do." And he gave an example from the play Macbeth , in regards to distrust between trusting friends, Macbeth and Banquo.
I could read the guy like a children's book. He was directing his comments at myself. I wrote about love and trust in my papers in philosophy class. He read them and was trying to get to me somehow (I questioned what love was and what trust was in my papers, believing both to be nothing divine, but instead a compilation of qualities and characteristics that two people share in common).
It does not mean that love is not an excellent thing to have. Love is awesome. :heart Who does not wish to have love, and be loved. But it is what it is. And I suppose that is whatever an individual wants it to be. Everything resides within the mind.
And love it great when it happens. I hope we all find some love. I hope I do. Pandy is great, but he's not very outgoing really. One of those that only speak when spoken to. Yeah, that type.
Yeah, it's great to start over sometimes. To be new. nobody knows you yet. The word has not spread around. No comments overheard just yet. No people coming round to try to sniff you like dogs. No professors, students, or anyone else know you. Your free and unnoticed. Respected. A measure of dignity resides inside you. Inner peace.
And then...everything changes when you have a "bad day". :s
But really, it does not have to. Everything we think is within our own mind. It is all within our mind. All within our mind. Within our mind. Our mind. Mind control. We have control over our mind. Control of our mind. Control of mind. Mind control.
We may stink forever, but our attitudes do not need to stink. We are subject to too many stinky attitudes. Why stink more than we have to?
I forgive my stinky professor, and I also forgive that stinky, idiotic, older lady. They stink, and they may not realize it. At least I know I stink. But still, they stink worse.
That's all I have to say for now.
Loony Ben:P
|
|