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Post by luckyhope84 on Mar 23, 2012 20:27:38 GMT
Something weird happened to me just now. I was over my sisters house and I hadnt taken a bath yet. I thought I smelled the whole time because there was a new person there. I forgot his name but he was Jay's ( my sisters boyfriend) brother in law. When I was walking out he was standing by the car( the side I had to get in). He was right by the door and it was 85 degrees today. I walked up went to open the door and he just stayed there. I had to brush into him to get in the car and he didnt move.
Then when I was driving in the car on the way home with my sis she rolled up the windows and turned on the air conditioner. Now if I smelled she wouldnt have wanted to do that.I'm still thinking about it but its becoming more and more easier to fight the delusion. The whole time I was in her room puffing she had the windows closed and I was talking. Alot happened today.
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Post by luckyhope on Apr 15, 2012 16:30:12 GMT
Damn I had mad fun for my birthday. I went out to fridays. We were hanging out at the bar. I hadnt taken a bath for 5 hrs. I was nervous to go in but my sister basically made me. I went there and it was crowded. I was like oh no but we went trhrough the crowd and chilled at the bar,. They were being so nice to me. Talking with me and chillin. They gave me drinks even though I didnt have my id.
There was one bartender that was so cute. My sister said it was my birthday and he came from behind the counter and gave me a hug. It felt so good. I was like damn really. That meant so much to me honestly. Its been so long since I've gotten a hug from someone either than my fam. I was surprised but happy he did it. He sat there and talked to us the whole time. He was doing tricks and stuff with the cups and bottles. I just never thought I would have so much fun at a bar. I know there is nothing wrong with me now. I really know it. Homeboy gave me a hug. I feel good today. To know the truth. Nothing can replace what he did for me. And he didnt even know it. I'm glad I'm alive and I'm glad I went.
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Post by luckyhope on Apr 25, 2012 7:03:21 GMT
Something bad happened and it turned my world around. I went out for 4/20 and I think I was being made fun of. I went to my sisters house. We were hanging out with some of my nephews friends. They were around his age 16. They started saying after a while that my neice was farting. They kept going on about it for a little while. Saying she kept on farting. Now I will say that when she was near me she farted. My sis was there and she never would have let anyone make fun of me. If she thought they were making fun of me she would have said thats enough. I dont know if I'm being too sensitive about it or they were really making fun of me. I called and asked her if they were making fun of me and she said no what would make you think they were making fun of you. We were just chillin.
I dont know. This is hard. Sometimes it becomes too much to deal with. Everything is a big deal to me. Its like i'm on a rollercoaster and cant get off. If only I was normal again. I just let things get to me and its taking its tole on me. I wanted to commit suicide again today. I just dont have the strength. I wonder why I'm so sensitive. People will never get to see the true me because I cant get over this. I'm dying for companionship but I cant find it anywhere. When I'm around people I'm afraid and when I'm not I hate myself. Its a lose lose situation.
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amber
New Member
Posts: 10
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Post by amber on Apr 25, 2012 9:25:16 GMT
hey luckyhope, so sorry to hear you are struggling today. i have read your posts and you so have the potential to be such a positive person, although i totally understand not being able to get those thoughts out of your mind. it sounds as if you have a good relationship with your sister but maybe you need talk to her about it a bit more so she knows exactly how much this is getting to you. she is obviously trying to put your mind at ease but maybe she is unaware how deeply it affects you - maybe a letter if you can't say it first? best wishes amber X
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Post by luckyhope on Apr 25, 2012 11:04:31 GMT
I told her I feel suicidal. She wants to hang out with me today. She said I need to stop running to suicide every time things are bad. She insists there is nothing wrong with me and no one was making fun of me. She said I need to find better coping skills. She really wants to see me get well and has faith that I will get there. She knows how I feel about the way I smell and has told me countless times along with everyone else I've asked that I have never smelled a day in my life.
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Post by luckyhope on Apr 30, 2012 21:07:35 GMT
I'm actually starting to believe my diagnosis of schitzoaffective and delusional. I realize that some of the things I have been experiencing dont make sense. I believed I was in communication with a psychic family that were speaking to me telepathically. Then I thought I was in communication with my decesased uncle who would tell me posuitive things about myself. There was also a bad voice named weazer that would tell me bad things about myself like I stink and no one would ever want to be around me.
I havent taken a bath or brushed my teeth in 3 days. I know it sounds gross but it seems to be a symptom of schitzoaffective disorder. I went downstairs with my 7 yr old neice and she was just there talking to me. I was thinking in my head but I smell why are you standing next to me. She didnt have any reactions. I think I'm just crazy and have been going through psychosis. Thats why I havent been up on my hygene and have been hearing voices sleeping all the time etc... I know this today but who knows what I will feel tomorrow.
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Post by l on May 14, 2012 10:58:12 GMT
you kind of annoy me
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Post by luckyhope on May 15, 2012 17:21:03 GMT
Good to know.
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Post by luckyhope on Jul 30, 2012 1:51:31 GMT
I actually had kind of a bad day on thursday. I thought this boy was reacting to me because he kept looking at me then he whispered something to his mother. He just kept looking at me. I dont know what he whispered. It has been on my mind since it happened. I was just thinking he whispered someone here stinks. The thing is a member here named maybe told me of their experience on a bus and it changed my mind because my experience was so different from his. I have to say the whole time I was sitting there I was thinking i smelled.
I went out the tuesday before that and there were alot of people in the waiting room. I counted there were 10 people. I had to sit there for a little while. It wasa small waiting room and I thought I would smell it up but no one there was paying me any mind. They were too busy on the computer. There was no rubbing noses coughing sneezing clearing throats. I went out of that experience feeling vindicated then that happened to me.
It really wracked my brain. How could I have done so much never gotten a reaction and then this little boy reacts to me. I was staring at him the whole time I was there. He kept looking at me and catching me looking at him. He prob thought I was a creep but I didnt think of it like that at the time. SO thanks maybe. You really helped me out with this one whether you know it or not.
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Post by luckyhope on Jul 30, 2012 2:32:26 GMT
I;m just sitting here and thinking of all the times I didnt get reactions and should have. Like the time that I was in the car and a 2 yr old fell asleep on my arm. And when I was in the car with my neice and she rested her head on my shoulder. Them the 4th of july when I went out and the lady was there looking for her salad and she was soooooo close to me with her kids. She stayed there so long I had to move. There were other people that did the same thing. I would always move away. When my other neice whos 12 hugged me and put her head in the direction of my neck and smelled me. There are so many times I should have gotten reactions and didnt. It should be enough to tell me but I still question. Its just been a bad ferw days.
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Post by Luckyhope on Jun 10, 2013 19:42:17 GMT
I've been doing a lot better recently. I have been going out again and taking my meds. I have also been thinking more positively. I really think I can make it. I failed time and time again but this is the time that things change for me. I need to remember that my story is no one else's story. What they go through has nothing to do with what I go through. I need to stop getting wrapped up in looking for reactions and get wrapped up in life. Just having your focus on smelling bad makes you see things in everything someone does. Looking back at this thread shows me that even if I do smell its not that bad. I read people's struggles everyday with their odor. What people do, say, etc... I haven't gotten even a third of what they've gotten but yet I obsess about it. Not about what does happen but about what might. I need to give up that fear that something will happen and just accept that if it does I will be strong enough to deal with it. Just allow life and people to come to me and accept them. Stop looking for reactions and accept myself. Because I am no less than others. We are the same. All struggling with something. All needing love. All insecure in some way. Being perfect wont make life any easier; just different. Stop obsessing and live your life the best way you can.
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